If we shadows have offended

He's cried so much and so hard that his eyes feel like sandpaper, and there are no more tears. Mercy Beau sits on the bed, as maudlin looking about the whole mess of it as Neil feels. Maybe more so. He's not sure how either of them could look or feel more maudlin, but Neil's certain they can manage if they give it enough time.

It's been a long day and a half. January comes in gray and unseasonably warm, as so much of winter has been. Neil's still impressed that Mercy Beau got himself from Bramford to Candlewood, though he can't be impressed for long. There had been no gently impatient, laughing Southern drawl coming after the dog when Neil opened the door to his soft whining. There has been none since he showed up. And when Neil called--both Goodnight and Billy Rocks--he got the same this number has been disconnected message he's gotten a number of times before, from Cassie and Adam and a handful of others.

Neil leaves Mercy in the apartment when he goes over to Bramford. If Mercy was still there, he has to hope that some of his things are too--and maybe some of Goodnight and Billy's things, as well. It's a sad thought. He doesn't want to raid their apartment for trinkets and keepsakes and little memories of them. Rather, he wants to save what little might remain of them before the vultures circle in and throw them out with the garbage.

There isn't much. It's like they were barely there at all. His breath catches in his chest. Mercy's things, at least, are there. A harness and leash. His vest, and a couple of kerchiefs. His bowls and crate. Neil packs it all into the crate and then sits there in that utilitarian apartment, already half-stripped of signs of their life here.

His hands shake. He calls Gabriel.

"Are you busy?" he asks without saying hello. Even though his eyes are tired and itchy from too much crying, he can feel the edge of it again. "Do you have a little while?"

The whole mess of it, the past weeks, sits with Neil even after the dreams are gone. Neil's got a job now, at the cafe that Gabriel left at the end of summer, and it's a great thing to take his mind off of everything else. Off of everything at all. The sorrow of seeing Charlie and Todd and the rest of his friends, and of the knowledge that Steve's no longer here in Darrow.

It's a whole mess. Neil feels hollow more often than not, but he's trying to get through it.

When he sends Gabriel a message, he realizes that it's been a while. They've given each other a lot of space, enough time and breathing room to see how things settle, since before everything was shivering and shaking and missing time for a couple of weeks. He's not sure what to expect, really. They're on a break. They're friends, but Neil's not sure what that looks like exactly.

He heads toward campus, because he likes the cafes up there more, and because it's easier for Gabriel to get to. If he wants to come along at all.

Between the end of the school year in June and the start of his summer school, Neil has a few weeks to just do nothing and pretend like maybe, maybe things are okay. He considers a job on top of his school obligations, but then disregards it; the stipend Darrow gives him covers the essentials and gives him a little bit extra, and he doesn't live extravagantly. He considers that Shakespeare in the Park just won't happen this year because of the time commitment involved in summer school, and his heart aches a little bit.

But today? Today is the Fourth of July, and his summer school doesn't start until next week. There's some sort of nonsense happening all over Darrow, Neil's sure, but Neil can't bring himself to do any of that. He's camped out on the roof of his building, feeling the muggy heat of Darrow press in around him and thinking about having been here for over a year now.

He texts Gabriel. A picture of himself lounging on his blanket on the roof, smiling slightly, and then a little American flag--because Neil Perry has discovered emojis on his phone, and they're spectacular.

It's not much of a summer that he gets. But he'll make the most of what he can while he has it.

It was a passing comment at Valentines day, but Neil's been unable to put it out of mind, and so here he was, having worked hard on figuring out their schedules and his budget and a nice, but not too nice, place that they could go and get dinner together.

Dinner for a birthday seems like an important thing to do. And it's a Monday night, so when it comes right down to it, it's not hard to find them a table somewhere. But he really hopes that Gabriel's all on board with the idea. He's told him what to expect--dinner, dessert afterward at his place--but it's still sort of daunting to be arranging a whole date for Gabriel's nineteenth birthday.

And maybe he had other ideas for the end of the night, after dessert. But that was for much later. And it was a school night, so they'd see how it went.

It's a school night.

Neil is a little bit drunk, but he has a free period in the morning, so he's not too worried about it. He's trying to not be worried about it. He feels a little silly that he went out at all. It's the first full week of class, it's a Monday night--well, now a Tuesday morning--and he...

Well, he thinks he might have made a stupid decision. But the guy at the club had looked a little bit like Charlie and had bought him a drink, and when they fumbled their way into a bathroom cubicle, it had seemed a really good idea. The whole thing had seemed a really good idea. And now he's a bit sore and his feet aren't quite carrying him home.

When he pulls up short in front of Gabriel's building, he hates himself a little bit.

He goes up in the elevator, eyes shut, feeling dizzy. It's a short walk to Gabriel's door, and he knocks, wondering if the other boy is even awake. It is a school night, after all.

It's a slow, lazy day and they got done with rehearsals and then, because Neil really does want to go over lines for both shows, he asks Gabriel back with him. They can order pizza and put on a little music in the background and just relax, going over their scenes. They've got to be off book pretty soon, and Neil wants to be off book as quickly as possible.

But also, he just wants to be around Gabriel. Pointing him out to Cassie, telling her that he liked him--and, earlier that day, letting all of the bottled up worried out at Poison--had been as relieving as it was frustrating. He doesn't know how to move forward, how to shift things, how to make these next steps happen. And maybe they don't need to, but he wants them to.

He just hopes that Gabriel does too.

Now, he glances over at Gabriel. The little purse of his lips and the wrinkle between his eyebrows. He wants, desperately to smooth it away with his thumb and a kiss.

Neil doesn't remember much of going back to Gabriel's place. He's been there enough time that it does feel a bit like autopilot to get there, and the beer in his system certainly isn't helping with clarity as they make their way through the streets from the park. It takes less time than Neil expects; suddenly, they're at the door, and then also suddenly, they're inside Gabriel's apartment.

Neil smiles at him, kicking off his shoes and watching Gabriel with soft eyes. He's been doing that since Gabriel tracked him down at the concert, he knows, but he can't help it. Gabriel's just about the only person in the world, at least in Darrow, that he's pretty sure will come when he calls no matter what.

He's trying to not test that. He wants Gabriel to keep coming for him, so he's trying to not wear it thin.

His fingers are itching, his lips need attention; where was the boldness at? Neil smooths his hands down his shirt like it will calm a riot of nerves in his chest. He doesn't know what he's so nervous about.

"Oh, man, that's--ew. Awful." Neil laughs, wrinkling his nose a little. He's found, he rather likes the elevators in his building, quiet and solitary. He misses the noisy, cluttered halls of Welton, but he likes the quiet of well-functioning machinery.

They get off on his floor, and he troops them to his door, wrangling the turn table to get it inside once the door is unlocked.

"I'll set this down and then call for the pizza," Neil says, toeing off his shoes just inside the doorway. His apartment isn't really decorated much yet. But it definitely looks lived in, take out boxes and clothes scattered around. "Sorry. Come on in."