Que sera, sera - whatever will be will be

[shadows_have_offended]

The news took a while to settle and, honestly, Neil still isn't entirely sure what to do with the knowledge. He's a college student now--or, rather, will be in September. He doesn't sign up for classes for months yet, but he's already looked over the catalog at least three times, trying to think what he'd like to do, now that he knows what he wants to do. It's all a huge relief, in a way. Maybe he can do Shakespeare in the Park again this summer. Maybe things will start to shape up more brightly.

In any case, he's celebrating. He sent out texts to all his friends, promising music and drinks and food--and a dog--to be shared by all. He tidied up a little, even, not that his apartment is ever very out of order in the first place. He doesn't really know how to decorate for a party like this, so he doesn't bother. Just makes sure there's lots of food and that the drinks are neatly arranged and that Beau's crate is set up in the bedroom, covered but open, so he can disappear if he'd like to.

He's not sure who all will come, but that doesn't really matter. He's just excited that he got in. It's the next step in his life, and it's his own step. That deserves to be celebrated no matter what.

Comments

[maloscuridad]

Neil's face is neutral about it but it's an expression that has a similar lineage to the neutral faces he saw in his neighborhood and in juvie. Everyone knows someone who's died or vanished or else they've been the cause of that death. Nova doesn't say anything, but he gets it.

"I keep hearing stories like that," he says. "Everyone's lost someone."

[shadows_have_offended]

Neil, for his part, has lost a lot of someones. Almost all of them were here when he arrived, and now only one of them is. He makes good strides at new friends. Hopefully college will help with that. He's got no way of knowing, though, and that's the scary thing.

"I hate to say it's something you get used to," he says with a shrug. "Each one's hard. You just hope they go back to something better, I suppose."

He knows some of them haven't.

[maloscuridad]

"You don't get used to it. You get numb," Nova says. Philosophy isn't exactly his strong suit but it's experience talking. It doesn't make the grief any less real, it just means you can live from day to day without crumbling. "Isn't the same. But I get it."

For boys like Noveno Santiago, death is an old friend.

[shadows_have_offended]

Neil nods a little bit because ain't it the truth. He hopes, back in Vermont, that everyone got to a place of numbness about him, that they went on and went out and got away from their stern fathers and distant mothers and the brothers they were so often compared to, if they had them.

He smiles, trying to banish the thoughts and return to the warm, happy mood of the party.

"Well, look at me go. Killing the buzz of my own party in one shot. That's a new record for me, too. Normally it takes me an hour or so."

[maloscuridad]

Nova thinks of Alex's Death Day and her own attempts to sabotage it. As if he wouldn't have already done enough damage himself with his stupid canto and stupid contract. "Trust me, I've seen someone really kill the buzz at a party. This is nothing."

And it seems to him that no matter how much a person does or doesn't like being in Darrow, loss is just part of the experience. Even the people who claim to be happy here always have that little edge, the way their words fade out on a 'but...'

It's life.